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Balthazar Jones lives in the Tower of London with his wife, Hebe, and his one-hundred-eighty-one-year-old pet tortoise, Mrs. Cook. That's right: he is a Beef-eater (they really do live here). It's no easy job navigating the trials and tribulations that come with living and working in the largest tourist attraction in present-day London.
Among the eccentric characters who call the Tower's maze of ancient buildings and spiral staircases home are the Tower's Rack & Ruin barmaid, Ruby Dore, who just found out she's pregnant; life-long bachelor Reverend Septimus Drew, who secretly pens a series of principled erotica; the philandering Ravenmaster with an eye for revenge when one of his insufferable flock turns up dead; Valerie Jennings, Hebe's best friend who is secretly in love with the tattooed ticket inspector, Arthur Catnip; and the ghost of Sir Walter Raleigh, whose nighttime smoking and clanging around the Tower are ruining everyone's sleep.
The once white-hot flame of Balthazar and Hebe's love has dwindled since the loss of their son. Hebe finds solace in her work at the London Underground's Department of Lost Things, where she attempts to reunite lost objects with their rightful owners (among the handbags and keys, the storehouse is filled with a trove of strange objects, including Dustin Hoffman's Academy Award, 157 pairs of false teeth, and an uncrackable safe). But Balthazar has not been able to shed a tear since the tragedy, and Hebe is growing more distant by the day.
Their marriage is teetering on the brink when Balthazar is tasked with opening an elaborate menagerie within the Tower walls to house the unusual animal gifts the Queen is given by foreign dignitaries. Life at the Tower is about to get all the more interesting. The penguins escape, the giraffes are stolen, the lovebirds hate one another....Balthazar is in charge, and things are not exactly running smoothly. It is at this point that the beloved tortoise "runs" away and Hebe decides to leave. What a Beef-eater to do?
Meet twenty-two-year-old Cherry Pye (née Cheryl Bunterman): a pop star since she was fourteen-and about to attempt a comeback from her latest drug-and-alcohol disaster.
Now meet Cherry again: in the person of her "undercover stunt double," Ann DeLusia. Ann portrays Cherry whenever the singer is too "indisposed"-meaning wasted- to go out in public. And it is Ann-mistaken-for-Cherry who is kidnapped from a South Beach hotel by obsessed paparazzo Bang Abbott.
Now the challenge for Cherry's handlers(über-stage mother; horndog record producer; nipped, tucked, and Botoxed twin publicists; weed whacker-wielding bodyguard) is to rescue Ann while keeping her existence a secret from Cherry's public-and from Cherry herself.
The situation is more complicated than they know. Ann has had a bewitching encounter with Skink-the unhinged former governor of Florida living wild in a mangrove swamp-and now he's heading to Miami to find her...
Will Bang Abbott achieve his fantasy of a lucrative private photo shoot session with Cherry Pye? Will Cherry sober up in time to lip-synch her way through her concert tour? Will Skink track down Ann DeLusia before Cherry's motley posse does?
All will be revealed in this hilarious spin on life in the celebrity fast lane.
- Poetry For Spring Snow, From The Shirlington Poetry Workshop
This poem, called a Renga, was written by Susan, Grace, Marcia and Geoff, of the Shirlington Poetry Workshop: 4th Monday, 6:30 pmWho would imagine Fresh snow on cherry blossoms Winter's chill clings on Brings questions to the mind and stories of past...
- New Arrivals...
When Arthur Rook learns that his vital, creative wife, Amy, has been killed in an accident, he realizes to his horror that he has no idea what her last wishes would have been. Blindsided by the sudden loss and delirious grief, he flees his home and job...
- New Books!
In the early 1970's, two idealistic young people-Gwen Carpenter and Calvin Voisin-decided to leave civilization and re-create the vanished simple life of their grandparents in the heart of Louisiana's million-acre Atchafalaya River Basin Swamp....
- This Just In..........
Griffin has been tooling around for nearly a year with his father's ashes in the trunk, but his mother is very much alive and not shy about calling on his cell phone. She does so as he drives down to Cape Cod, where he and his wife, Joy, will celebrate...
- New Books In August!
It's the early 1970's. The town of Ringgold, Georgia, has a population of 1,923, one traffic light, one Dairy Queen, and one Catherine Grace Cline. The daughter of Ringgold's third-generation Baptist preacher, Catherine Grace is quick-witted,...
Library
New Arrivals.......
Among the eccentric characters who call the Tower's maze of ancient buildings and spiral staircases home are the Tower's Rack & Ruin barmaid, Ruby Dore, who just found out she's pregnant; life-long bachelor Reverend Septimus Drew, who secretly pens a series of principled erotica; the philandering Ravenmaster with an eye for revenge when one of his insufferable flock turns up dead; Valerie Jennings, Hebe's best friend who is secretly in love with the tattooed ticket inspector, Arthur Catnip; and the ghost of Sir Walter Raleigh, whose nighttime smoking and clanging around the Tower are ruining everyone's sleep.
The once white-hot flame of Balthazar and Hebe's love has dwindled since the loss of their son. Hebe finds solace in her work at the London Underground's Department of Lost Things, where she attempts to reunite lost objects with their rightful owners (among the handbags and keys, the storehouse is filled with a trove of strange objects, including Dustin Hoffman's Academy Award, 157 pairs of false teeth, and an uncrackable safe). But Balthazar has not been able to shed a tear since the tragedy, and Hebe is growing more distant by the day.
Their marriage is teetering on the brink when Balthazar is tasked with opening an elaborate menagerie within the Tower walls to house the unusual animal gifts the Queen is given by foreign dignitaries. Life at the Tower is about to get all the more interesting. The penguins escape, the giraffes are stolen, the lovebirds hate one another....Balthazar is in charge, and things are not exactly running smoothly. It is at this point that the beloved tortoise "runs" away and Hebe decides to leave. What a Beef-eater to do?
Meet twenty-two-year-old Cherry Pye (née Cheryl Bunterman): a pop star since she was fourteen-and about to attempt a comeback from her latest drug-and-alcohol disaster.
Now meet Cherry again: in the person of her "undercover stunt double," Ann DeLusia. Ann portrays Cherry whenever the singer is too "indisposed"-meaning wasted- to go out in public. And it is Ann-mistaken-for-Cherry who is kidnapped from a South Beach hotel by obsessed paparazzo Bang Abbott.
Now the challenge for Cherry's handlers(über-stage mother; horndog record producer; nipped, tucked, and Botoxed twin publicists; weed whacker-wielding bodyguard) is to rescue Ann while keeping her existence a secret from Cherry's public-and from Cherry herself.
The situation is more complicated than they know. Ann has had a bewitching encounter with Skink-the unhinged former governor of Florida living wild in a mangrove swamp-and now he's heading to Miami to find her...
Will Bang Abbott achieve his fantasy of a lucrative private photo shoot session with Cherry Pye? Will Cherry sober up in time to lip-synch her way through her concert tour? Will Skink track down Ann DeLusia before Cherry's motley posse does?
All will be revealed in this hilarious spin on life in the celebrity fast lane.
Don't forget about these newbies.....
Burned, by P.C. Cast
Cure, by Robin Cook
Death on the D-List, by Nancy Grace
Eleventh Victim, by Nancy Grace
Faithful Place, by Tana French
Hangman, by Faye Kellerman
How to Raise the Perfect Dog, by Cesar Millan
I'd Know You Anywhere, by Laura Lippman
Becoming a U.S. Citizen, by Kaplan
Last Lie, by Stephen White
Last Night at Chateau Marmont, by Lauren Weisberger
Maybe This Time, by Jennifer Crusie
Pinheads and Patriots, by Bill O'Reilly
Postcard Killers, by James Patterson
Room, by Emma Donoghue
Safe Haven, by Nicholas Sparks
Tempted, by P.C. Cast
Burned, by P.C. Cast
Cure, by Robin Cook
Death on the D-List, by Nancy Grace
Eleventh Victim, by Nancy Grace
Faithful Place, by Tana French
Hangman, by Faye Kellerman
How to Raise the Perfect Dog, by Cesar Millan
I'd Know You Anywhere, by Laura Lippman
Becoming a U.S. Citizen, by Kaplan
Last Lie, by Stephen White
Last Night at Chateau Marmont, by Lauren Weisberger
Maybe This Time, by Jennifer Crusie
Pinheads and Patriots, by Bill O'Reilly
Postcard Killers, by James Patterson
Room, by Emma Donoghue
Safe Haven, by Nicholas Sparks
Tempted, by P.C. Cast
Touch-Me-Not, by Cynthia Riggs
Tough Customer, by Sandra Brown
Veil of Night, by Linda Howard
Wicked Appetite, by Janet Evanovich
The Widowers Tale, by Julia Glass
Tough Customer, by Sandra Brown
Veil of Night, by Linda Howard
Wicked Appetite, by Janet Evanovich
The Widowers Tale, by Julia Glass
- Poetry For Spring Snow, From The Shirlington Poetry Workshop
This poem, called a Renga, was written by Susan, Grace, Marcia and Geoff, of the Shirlington Poetry Workshop: 4th Monday, 6:30 pmWho would imagine Fresh snow on cherry blossoms Winter's chill clings on Brings questions to the mind and stories of past...
- New Arrivals...
When Arthur Rook learns that his vital, creative wife, Amy, has been killed in an accident, he realizes to his horror that he has no idea what her last wishes would have been. Blindsided by the sudden loss and delirious grief, he flees his home and job...
- New Books!
In the early 1970's, two idealistic young people-Gwen Carpenter and Calvin Voisin-decided to leave civilization and re-create the vanished simple life of their grandparents in the heart of Louisiana's million-acre Atchafalaya River Basin Swamp....
- This Just In..........
Griffin has been tooling around for nearly a year with his father's ashes in the trunk, but his mother is very much alive and not shy about calling on his cell phone. She does so as he drives down to Cape Cod, where he and his wife, Joy, will celebrate...
- New Books In August!
It's the early 1970's. The town of Ringgold, Georgia, has a population of 1,923, one traffic light, one Dairy Queen, and one Catherine Grace Cline. The daughter of Ringgold's third-generation Baptist preacher, Catherine Grace is quick-witted,...